Hesitant

•March 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I’m still not sure how I feel about blogging.

Personally, I struggle greatly with humility. It overwhelms me everyday. I feel as if starting a blog and talking about myself isn’t something that will help me defeat this one (there are many) iniquity of mine. So I’m not quite sure. I’m wondering if maybe just updating my journal for personal release would suffice, but then you don’t have the interaction and fellowship. I really don’t know.

As it is, I’m sure no one reads this anyways (I cannot blame them!).

So I don’t know. I really don’t.

In fact, that pretty much sums up most of my life at this period in time. But I pray that God’s will be revealed to me, and I know it will be when God knows I’m ready.

Glory to God in all things!

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The Lack of Title Is Intentional

•February 8, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Why? Simply because I can never think of any clever, rhythmic titles for these entries, so I’ll simply leave it be.

I really do love poetry. Whether it’s a new found desire or I’ve just never realized it, I’m unsure of. Don’t let me confuse you, I do not like writing poetry. The reason being that I’m terrible at it, and don’t try and talk me out of this conclusion, I’m quite sure of it.

I don’t really like studying poetry in school either. Poetry just seems so impersonal in the classroom setting. It also seems like in the classroom you have to draw one conclusion as to what the poem means. This can work for some poems, but I don’t think poetry is always about analyzing it to fully enjoy it. Usually just the flow and use of vocabulary is enough for me to enjoy a poem. Oh well. I’m not even sure any of that made sense.

Anyways, I’d like to share some poems I’ve come to love.

Now, before I post, I have a book of poems by Emily Dickinson. I, like many other poetry enthusiasts, have come to really enjoy her. Unfortunately, her views of God seem to be a little…off. So I have to do my best to avoid those poems.

P.S. All of these are buy Dickinson.

The bee is not afraid of me-

The bee is not afraid of me,
I know the butterfly;
The pretty people in the woods
Receive me cordially.

The brooks laugh louder when I come,
The breezes madder play.
Wherefore, mine eyes, thy silver mists?
Wherefore, O summer’s day?

If I should die-

If I should die,
And you should live,
And time should gurgle on,
And morn should beam,
And noon should burn,
As it has usual done;
If birds should build as early,
And bees as bustling go,–
One might depart at option
From enterprise below!
‘T is sweet to know that stocks will stand
When we with daisies lie,
That commerce will continue,
And trades as briskly fly.
It makes the parting tranquil
And keeps the soul serene,
That gentlemen so sprightly
Conduct the pleasing scene!

This next one doesn’t seem as blasphemous as some of her others, but I could have possibly interpreted wrongly.

It was too late for man–

It was too late for man,
But early yet for God;
Creation impotent to help,
But prayer remained our side.

How excellent the heaven,
When earth cannot be had;
How hospitable, then, the face
Of our old neighbor, God!

I’m interested in reading some more W.H. Auden, G.K. Chesterton, T.S. Eliot, Alfred Noyes, etc.

Well, if anyone reads this, comment or something.

P.S. The new blog title is inspired by the novella by Franz Kafka. He’s probably one of my favorite authors. People like to say he’s nihilistic, but I think his works cause one to question instead of come to a conclusion of nothing. Kafka’s too profound to limit to one category. Goodnight.

   

An Overwhelming Fear

•January 31, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I keep reminding myself; Eric, don’t be scared. Keep her in your prayers and she will be fine.

This helps for awhile, but then when I stop reminding myself of this all the fear and anxiety comes rushing forth like a strong wind. Let me elaborate on what exactly is keeping me on edge.

My grandmother has lived with us for, I don’t know, 6 or more years.  So she’s been looking for a place of her own, and now an opportunity has arisen. She’s been offered an apartment, and she has accepted and will be moving in the next two weeks or so.  First of all, this apartment is in an apartment complex that isn’t the best place in town per se. According to my grandmother, things have settled down there and it’s become a more peaceful place, so I’m hoping this is true. All the same, I’m still frightened. For one, my heart is practically assaulted when I think about someone being alone. When I consider her living by herself, I’m overwhelmed with pain. I can’t explain it. It feels almost unnatural. I can go on about the fear that consumes me on this subject, but I’m just going to be babbling incoherent things that will get off track. My point has been made: I’m scared.

I don’t know how to wrap this up. I just am going to continue praying for her and pray that I may put my fear to rest and leave this in God’s hands. I need to remember that whatever happens, things will be OK.

I’m sorry to leave this post untangled, but I’m just not sure what else to say. I just needed to get this out, and I have. I could use your prayers for both my grandmother and myself.

I’ve been gone.

•January 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I haven’t paid attention to my blog, anyone else’s blog, TAW, or anything Orthodox for awhile now. So yeah, I’ve been slacking. It honestly seems to just be a continuing problem with me. I can never stick with anything to long, and I don’t really know why.  So this is an attempt to get “back on track” per se. I’m going to be doing something different with blogging. I might open up one blog for strictly spiritual use etc. and another for video-game review, another big interest of mine. I guess I’d do actual journal blogs in my spiritual one. I honestly don’t know yet, I’ve just stumbled upon the idea today. I doubt anyone will even read this. I haven’t blogged in so long I’m sure no one comes to check here, and I can’t blame them for that. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Wish me luck. Or better yet, pray for me.

Absence

•December 11, 2007 • 1 Comment

So I’ve been absent from this blog for awhile now, due to some spiritual struggles, but I’m coming back, I promise. Slowly but shortly. The Christmas School break is soon, and hopefully I’ll have a lot of time over that period to read through a lot of the stuff online I’m hoping too, therefore I will probably be posting more rapidly of my findings, so keep in touch. :] Or, I’ll spend the whole break reading Father Seraphim Rose: His Life and Works (I starred it about 50 times on my Christmas List, I’m hoping that’ll be a big enough sign 😀 ). Anyways, I found this video online and I’m very fond of it. I think it’s a easily comprehensible message for teens with great music to back it up.

Also, check out this great website:

http://www.freerice.com

Alright my friends, take care.

As My Scarlet Embroidery Tightens…

•November 29, 2007 • 1 Comment

The consequences of my unrepented sin is the curse laid upon my heart, where I yearn to hate those whom I love. As the scarlet embroidery tightens (The Scarlet Letter reference) around my heart, all the joy is suffocated and it eventually escapes, leaving only the black pieces to mingle joyously with its disguised companion. How I long to pray to my Father for His love, yet at the same time I remain to prideful to humble myself before Him. How unworthy I am of His grace, love, and mercy. For I allow Christ to be sacrificed again daily (Hebrews 6:6) by my sin. Father, the evil one met me in the abyss of my sleep and awakened me a putrid soul. I cry out, have mercy Lord.

Grant me rest, and awaken me with a ready mind and soul.

St. Herman of Alaska

•November 16, 2007 • Leave a Comment

“…but we must follow the example of the sick, who wishing for desired health, do not stop searching for means of curing themselves.”

I don’t have my journal with me at the moment, so I posted this here so I can remember to jot it down later.